Ever After…

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Somewhere deep inside us, we humans have basic ideals that can’t be explained by genetics or evolution or experience of the world around us. Yet somehow we share the understanding though what we do with the ideas is varied.

Perfect.

We all inherently know that we aren’t perfect and it’s something unattainable on this imperfect earth. We sense there is a standard to strive for yet will never achieve this side of eternity. Somehow we know this without being taught.

Related to this, is the ideal of Happily Ever After. Though we know it’s unrealistic, we still have this deep yearning for the time when all things are right and we don’t have to struggle anymore but to only enjoy the arrival.

Consider the great love stories: two people perfectly suited for each other meet, “fall” in love, then have to overcome obstacles to be together. Finally ‘love wins’ and prince charming and lovely maiden have a wedding. End of story. Drop curtains… roll credits…

Happily Ever After.

Person finds perfect horse, horse understands human perfectly and the two run their event as one connected being winning best of whatever the thing is; then ride bareback with no bridle into the sunset mane and tail flying in the gentle breeze together in perfect harmony…

Happily Ever After.

Most don’t openly admit to this fairy tale thinking yet if you talk to anyone long enough and listen carefully, we all hold this ideal to some degree at some subterranean level.

There are two branches to this happily ever after concept but they come from the same root:

  1. if you find the right fit everything will work out with minimal struggle.
  1. true love conquers all.

With every good fundamentally misleading ideal- there is partial truth yet the honest truth is not in either.

Certainly one will have more success in any relationship if the partner is chosen wisely (horse or human) yet we often do not see clearly until it is too late what attributes we should have been considering.

Also, true love does conquer all however true love has little to do with the fond feelings and chemistry – the thing one falls into — at all. Far fewer of us get excited about living the choices true sacrificial love calls. The stuff you’ll need when the going gets tough.

To quote a marriage therapist who heard a very difficult story full of hurt and betrayal. As he sought a way to begin helping the couple — the only question he could think of at the moment was: Well what did you think “for worse” was going to look like?

After the credits roll and the curtain falls is where the work begins. This can be happily ever after but only if you come to understand that the joy is in the building and the growth that comes in the unexpected and uncomfortable along the way.

That whole thing about the journey vs the destination. Not only in learning from the journey, or realizing the journey is the point… but finding your joy in it.

Many of us find it difficult to actually make the switch to a relationship or other becoming more important than the individual. Looking at statistics and the world around me it seems obvious that a great many people (and growing with our cultural trends) are willing to put the relationship or the other first so long as that mostly serves their needs… (ponder that a moment if it doesn’t strike you as ironic).

There are various often compounding reasons things take a wrong turn and a failing cycle sets in. Language barriers (we can both speak English yet not really communicate!), misunderstandings, baggage that makes us fearful or overly sensitive, unshared expectations, and usually any or all of these pair with a deep self centeredness that’s almost impossible to shake without serious painful dedication.

I speak from personal experience. But regardless of the people who’ve contended they are truly selfless and these people often say this is their biggest downfall…. I’ve yet to find anyone immune to this.

Often the people who seem to always be off doing good deeds or are ‘always giving selflessly’ have a buried selfish need they are either fulfilling to feel good about themselves, to earn ‘credit’ with god or humans, to manipulate people in subtle ways … I wonder if they are even aware of completely…

I remember once hearing someone frustrated that their selflessness had gone too long unnoticed proclaim: you should know by now I’m always thinking of everyone else first!!!

It seems realizing that self centeredness is likely the biggest demon we face and recognizing that it’s almost impossible to iradicate is a big step toward real heart change. Even mother Teresa was quoted as saying she herself was selfish and greedy…

Byron Katie challenges us to consider starting with a selfless cup of coffee… when she noticed even bringing her husband a cup of coffee meant she had hoped he would thank her and appreciate her.

Tim Keller calls it being mercenary in our friendships. (I love this)

With horses it shows up when the horse begins to refuse or is unable to continue moving (or moving fast enough) toward our human goals. This can come from the horse not being able to understand what we are asking, gets tired of being forced, or is physically limited or in pain.

Relationship failure then comes from giving up and has two ways it presents:

  1. Give up and find a better partner who will fulfill your needs.
  2. Stay and be resigned to the disappointment that you’ll never have happily ever after.

It is easier to resign oneself to a disappointment (sell the horse and quit altogether, or have the horse that “just does that” like… “he’s great in the saddle but watch out on the ground” or “when you get on be ready- he’ll take off right away” or “she’s great in the ring but so spooky out on the trail- we never hack out anymore”) and in marriages we’ve all seen the “unhappy couple” who has given up stays together but lives separate lives, they make deals a lot (you can do that if I can do this) or complain and nag at each other or maybe worse don’t talk at all… Giving up means not having to try, grow, hope and be vulnerable to failure.

The other option is trade out. Many people have the horse merry-go-round farm where they buy a horse, find after the excitement of choosing the perfect horse dies down and the day to day grind comes it doesn’t do what they want or how they want; they figure it was a bad choice and look for a better one. There’s always something wrong with the horse (or the girl/boy friend or husband-wife… affairs, separations, divorces) These people rarely seem to imagine something could be lacking in themselves. It is much easier to give up and keep looking for perfect in the other.

Disclaimer: I do think there are a few examples where a fit is just so easy it doesn’t take much effort and everyone is happy. Not only is this uncommon, I don’t believe it’s ideal. A real bond is tested in difficulty- if you never have to set your own goal or desire aside for another… is that really a strong relationship or simply a convenient one? Similarly, a true horseman is never made with an easy horse. Not everyone agrees with me.

The answer that truly does lead to happily ever after is the narrow road in between.

This is the great unknown- love is a long and narrow road… (Matt Maher)

The great horse-rider connection that seems magical… the couple that still laughs, cries and grows together into old age… they didn’t just fall into that. There is a way that challenges me to put my partner’s needs ahead of my own.

Hold on though. There is a glitch here that many get hung up on.

The inability to see what the partner needs, or to see that as valuable. Most of us are interested in personal growth- but the kind that makes us more into the person we would want (The challenge is to do the work it takes to figure out what your HORSE needs — or your spouse needs.) For many horse people we already know what we know and don’t seem to connect that it hasn’t actually served us optimally in the past- then we can’t learn.

If it were easy to become the person our horse or partner needs it wouldn’t require this kind of growth and sacrifice. In human relationships we find a lot of reasons why they aren’t deserving of the kind of grace, patience, forgiveness, humility, or whatever they need and it seems unfair to give when you’re not “getting what you need”. It is hard to keep working toward being that person to someone completely underserving because they haven’t done the same for you and may never.

There are also difficult situations where a human is engaged in destructive behavior and putting them first means making hard choices- but the difference is in the heart. True love makes the hard decision not just to “protect yourself”- but in understanding that allowing them to abuse me actually is allowing them to continue to damage themselves. The difficult decisions on how to handle destructive situations may have a different edge when viewed this way.

I’ve seen the magic when someone truly commits to this kind of true love beyond what is reasonable. And over time finds their heart is changed by grace, and eventually stops living in the “when will I get my due” and begins to enjoy the process of the change in them. The difficult moments become opportunities for more love and growth and learning.

It seems to me that only when the process has changed a person so much that they come to this…. That something begins to change in the other as well.

Most people give up before that. Because even in their kind deeds they are still in manipulating the other to be what they want or get what they want mode. The heart has not changed. And this is something we can sense in those around us and they can sense in us.

Especially with horses.

Humans have goals- whether to ride 100 miles, earn a ribbon in the next class, or to trail ride safely with your friends. Horses sense when you are only interested in training them to meet your goal. Most humans don’t give horses enough credit to even try to hide this.

I’ve found (maybe it’s because I work mostly with mares) that if you begin to have a heart change where the horse herself truly becomes what is valued and you begin to become what the horse needs consistently over time – they begin to trust and work with you and respond.

Horses need leadership, direction and clarity, so putting the horse first doesn’t mean doing everything the horse wants and how she wants to do it. It’s a journey of learning the tension between good leadership and learning what your horse needs to be successful and then adjusting yourself (growth) to becoming that leader.

Successful relationships and lives consist of observing what works and doesn’t, taking responsibility for adjusting yourself in solving the problems, and lots of patience in the process. It’s messy, risky, dangerous and fulfilling when done with a true heart.

Happily ever after comes when you begin enjoying where you are right now– not waiting to until perfection or success is achieved- in yourself or others.

Life always shows us that once you sort out the current challenge another will pop up like the whack-a-mole game.

Happily Ever After comes from learning to love the skies you’re under in the words of Mumford & Sons. To realize that the process through grace of the change in yourself can be beautiful and drawing you closer to the perfect person you can’t quite attain but still makes you more like real love than you were the day before.

May you find happily ever after today and this upcoming year as we ponder the gift of love that Christmas brought 2000 years ago… in a small town barn … where a donkey carried a young pregnant mother…

… bringing mankind’s hope of perfect love, an example of how we might love each other and someday the final happily ever after we crave.

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